Goodbye 2008, hello 2009

I'm pinching Corymbia's idea and posting a 'taking stock' blog, as well as writing down my resolutions (hopes, anyway) for 2009. I've copied her format: first, an overview, then '2008: the good;' '2008 - the bad;' and 'My hopes for 2009.'



2008.

2008 was a very busy year. It was the year when I pushed myself to the limits of my capabilities. I learned a lot about myself, but I also burned out really badly.

It was not an especially traumatic year, but it was infused with the consistent, underlying stress and exhaustion which came from being stretched too thin.

My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer, which was hard.

But it has prompted me to build bridges and I feel that our family is closer and more harmonious than ever. This year I am living in a cottage on my parents' property.My parents have a hobby farm with an orchard and a huge permaculture garden. It's beautiful, but it requires constant work to maintain everything, and my parents aren't getting any younger. I want to help them and build my skills at the same time. I am looking forward to having my son experience what it is like to have this kind of childhood.

I am getting ahead of myself.


2008 - the good.

- I am proud of all the good feedback I got at work. I am proud I managed to hold everything together.

- I developed skills and confidence in myself that I didn't have before with work. I feel a lot more secure about my ability to gain (and keep) a 'good' job, and to produce good work. I am proud of this, because I'm always written myself off as a bit of a loser and never believed I could do anything very well. So 2008 was good for this.

- Materially, 2008 was a good year. I'm not rich, but I feel a sense of control with money and know I'll never have to worry. I was able to put money into savings and buy some quality essentials. I feel solid and positive about my ability to handle money, and that's a lovely secure feeling. I suppose it's boring, but it was a definite highlight for me. I set myself financial goals and I met them and I am very proud of that.

- 2008 was a year when I realised some important things about the kind of person I want to be, and the kind of life I want to live. I made the decision to leave Lismore, where I had lived for 10 years, and move to Armidale, to be closer to family. 2008 ended a very stressful chapter of my life that began when I got pregnant. Being a single parent without any family support is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. In some ways, it has pushed me to my limits, and I have made many mistakes as a mother as a result. But in other ways, it has given me a sense of how strong and capable I can be - I figure if I managed the last four years, I can manage ANYTHING. So that is a very empowering feeling that I may never have had if I had not been through such testing times.

- Nothing terrible happened - 2008 was not a traumatic year.



THE BAD

I feel that I wasn't the mother I could have been in 2008 - the kind of mother I wanted to be. My son watched too much TV. We didn't have enough fun and adventure. I got stroppy and impatient with him, and was too stressed and distracted to be the 'present' parent I wanted to be. My paid workload was too big, which meant I spent a lot of time rushing him through dinner and baths and into bed so I could get everything done. I missed a lot of sleep by staying up late to finish all my work and the housework, and that made me tired, cranky and depressed.

I also feel that my social life really suffered because I was too busy and tired to spend time with other people. I know I upset some people because I never made time for them. I don't want to be isolated by a frantic life again.

I am still working through the guilt that came with not giving enough mother-love to my son - surely there can be no worse guilt than a parent's guilt.

Life is not about regrets. It is about learning lessons and moving on.

I learned that my number one job is being a parent, and I am not going to let that work suffer by taking on too much other work. I'm now on single parent benefits, and I refuse to feel guilty about that because I do not believe that I am receiving a 'handout.' I am doing the most important job in the world and I want to do it well.

So, the hell with Kevin Dudd if he thinks I should prioritise working in a supermarket over my job as a mother. My child has just as much right as any other child to have a happy childhood, and I personally don't think it's worth it for him to lose his mother for the sake of the economy. Someone is probably going to get very cross reading this. Or maybe nobody is reading it, LOL



2009.

So this year is about relationships and family.

Number one, I want to be a good mother. I want to bake more, go for more walks, read more books, listen more to my son. I want to heal the mistakes I made last year, and make him my number one focus, which is what he should be.

Being a good daughter, sister and aunt. I'm babysitting my nephews every week while my brother teaches night classes. I want to get to know my nephews. I want to help my parents manage all their work, cook them good meals, talk to them, hear their stories. I want to bond with my parents, and heal old hurts with them.

I'd like to build a network of friends here.

I want to work less, and enjoy life more - be a generous participant in the community, enjoy people and relationships. I am very much enjoying the change of pace since last year and I feel much healthier and happier than I have in years.

I would also like to re-enter the dating scene - cautiously dipping my toe in, taking things extremely slowly. I want to do it right next time. The past five years, I've been completely celibate. This has been good - I've been too busy for a relationship and have wanted to focus on parenting.

I also think I needed to do a lot of healing. I don't want to go into the story of TVSB's father right now, but suffice to say that the period we were together was the most traumatic experience I have ever had.

I think I'm ready and healed enough. I am open to the possibility, but I will definitely be extremely cautious - I've learned this lesson the hard way.

I am completing my Cert IV in Community Service Work externally. I've already done half of it, but stopped when I got a job. It's just a bit of paper, but it will come in handy, no doubt.

I'd also like to do some volunteer work to keep my foot in the door, but I'm really keen to prioritise relationships over work this year. I'd like to join friends of the library and help write a grant to get better funding and modernise Armidale library. It sorely needs it.

I want to continue to keep my financial situation solid. I want to be a kind, positive, compassionate person. I want to do my best to lead a 'green' lifestyle. I want to open myself to a new and satisfying career, which is meaningful and satisfying.

But first and foremost, I want to be a good parent. That is my number one commitment for 2009.