Transitions

Sometimes it is tempting to hide away in safe places and never risk anything. I'm not a fan of pain.

I'm trying to fight my need for stability, regularity and to be just a little unsafe, to take the road less travelled... it would be easier to remain a captive of my own fears. I know I could do it. Life would even be okay, in the scheme of things. But that's the thing, isn't it? Life would be... OK...

And I keep thinking that all of us are miracles, and how easy it is to take the miracle of our existence for granted. Here we are - formed out of dust and particles and a strange, intricate, mysterious, pandemic swirl of consciousness... we're on this planet, alive. How easy it is to throw this miracle away.

And yet, life is such a miracle - is there anyway that it can be wasted? I think I take myself far too seriously and that's part of the problem, really.

But I keep on thinking of Aesop's fable about the wild, skinny wolf. He lives by his wits and often starves and envies the fat, well-fed dog until he notices the chain around his neck. But the wolf can easily be romanticised and to take risks can be more hazardous than those nice, neat little allegories would have any of us believe.

And motherhood - it's not only my own security I need to consider. It is even more tempting to take the safe route. But I watched my parents, held captive in a life they chose out of duty to us - we felt the legacy of their loss. Do I want my son to suffer a similar fate?

Boys

I've been babysitting my brother's boys while he is at work and his ex wife is in rehab (don't ask...)

The two nephews and my boy makes three: two four-year olds and a seven-year old.

The ex looks like she'll be in for about three months, so it looks like I've got a new gig. I'm loving it! I know this defies logic, but looking after three kids is ever so much easier than looking after one.

My little angel is less reliant on me for entertainment, and I think that makes all the difference.

When it's the two of us, I don't get to think a thought from beginning to end without interruption. It's relentless. But with two cousins to play with, he's happier and I'm happier. I can roll with my own rhythms more, I guess - sending the boys out for a play every time I need a wee break, before doing the next activity.

There's a lot more cleaning up to do, and the odd fight to referee, but it's soooo much easier. I don't end up completely drained by the end of the day.

And we've been having such a great time - making domino lines and banana pancakes, playing hide and seek and jumping on the trampoline, reading roald dahl, watching mythbusters re-runs... I haven't really spent time like this with my nephews before, and it's really lovely. They're such little characters!

My brother and his boys are an all-boy household, and it shows - technic lego, bum jokes and guinness world records comparisons are par for the course in this household. I'm really enjoying it!

I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed hanging out in all-boy households. There's a different energy. The house gets chaotic and messy but somehow it doesn't seem to matter as much, everything is relaxed and 'let-it-all-hang-out.' I'm really enjoying myself.

It's lovely to have an excuse to hang out with the boys heaps. I'm looking forward to the next few months.

Curiousity

They say that to be a good person, it is worth noticing and emulating admirable qualities that other people possess. As someone who takes a keen and active interest in fulfilling my own potential as a human being, I have found this advice most prudent, and it has served as a useful guidepost when I've felt a bit lost.

I'm on a bit of a bender when it comes to self improvement. Parenting tends to do that to people, I guess.

To guide me, I've been thinking about the qualities that I find most attractive in other people.

A kind, compassionate heart is probably the number one thing. I'm working on that one.

Number two, for me, is curiousity. This is probably my strong suit.

I'm far from perfect. I have flaws and foibles, like everybody else. Perhaps I even have more foibles than most. I'm willing to entertain that possibility.

I have one redeeming quality which has gotten me through some pretty bleak times, and which I have always really liked about myself.

It is this: I am curious.

I've always been a curious person. I'm curious about every little thing. When I was studying journalism, we were told that every subject in the world is interesting if it is looked at in the right way. I have to agree. The world is so darn fascinating it's overwhelming.

To me, nobody is more alluring than a curious, passionate person. In particular, I admire enthusiasts. People who find rapture and endless fascination in a certain sunject or endeavour. It doesn't matter to me what the subject is. It could be collecting gloves. No matter how little in common we have, that part of people draws me closer. I love thinking about accountants who go home and enjoy a private rapture with their growing collection of tea pots. Or people who make it their life's work to study mosquitos. It's magic. WHY did this thing capture their heart and imagination? I love this about humanity.

This very thing has driven human endeavour, in all its wonderful and terrifying complexity. And it is incredible.

I'm not really obsessed with any one thing. Or perhaps reading, writing and the arts would be mine.

But I think the thing which REALLY floats my boat is watching other people's curiousity about the world - and trying to figure out why they are so curious.

I've been tossing up new career options lately. Perhaps I should become a documentary maker next!

People are so darned fascinating. And fascinated people are the most fascinating of all.



Some lyrics from Laura Veirs:

With photographs

And magnetic tape

We capture

Pretty animals in cages

Pretty flowers in vases

Enraptured



And doesn't the tree

Write great poetry?

Doing itself so well



Do you blame monet?

His gardens in giverny

He captured

And lovely basho

His plunking ponds and toads

Enraptured



The fate of kurt cobain

Junk coursing through his veins

And young virginia woolf

Death came and hung her coat



Love of color, sound and words

Is it a blessing or a curse?

Enraptured

Tidal

It's been a while since I've blogged, or even felt like blogging. I'm not sure why I haven't been interested in blogging lately, when it was such an obsession of mine for a while.

Is it because I had a lot of followers on my old blog, and liked the audience?

...and now I'm on a different blog which nobody really knows about, so it's not as fun?

Maybe it's because I'm so caught up in living my life that I've slipped out of the usual 'absent-minded professor' mode which has helped me survive in the world.

I no longer work in a job which forces me to sit at a computer all day. This might explain, in part, my loss of interest. I'm sure my desire to blog will return.

I've also slipped into a kind of reading 'OCD' mode. When the boy is asleep, I feel like lying in bed and reading instead of sitting at the computer.

I've been borrowing piles of books from the library - sometimes life in the book is so gripping that the real world seems like a nuisance and a distraction!

I seem to get really emotionally involved in books. Having kids snaps you out of that reverie quick-smart, but at night, when he sleeps...

.. ahh, the sweet bliss of getting lost in other worlds, or other ways of seeing the world.

For me, creativity seems to be a very tidal thing... sometimes there's an outpouring and sometimes there's an influx. So. I'll go through a period of writing - thousands of words, every day. I'll be driving along, or washing dishes and forming words in my head and wishing that I could sit down and write.

I'll scribble sentences I like onto old ice cream napkins and shopping dockets so I won't forget them. People may look into my handbag and think I never clean it out. Looks deceive. That old chocolatey paper towel probably has some special words on it, and I would be very upset if I lost it. So, that's me when I'm in 'creative output' mode.

Then there are times like these - I'm aware that my writing takes on a very businesslike tone, not terribly interesting to read. I feel frustrated with my writing and blocked for ideas. These are the times when I tend to obsessively read everything I can get my hands on. If I like an author, I will read everything they've written. I read the sides of cereal boxes, local newspaper classified ads - pretty much everything that comes my way.

So, there's my creative 'output' time, and my creative 'influx' time.

I am never simultaneously in 'influx' and 'output' mode, and I can't force myself into either one.

In his book, 'On writing' (a 'how-to' book for aspiring writers), Stephen King recommends writing 1 000 words a day, every day, and making it a discipline. I admire this. Although Stephen King's writing isn't exactly my cup of tea, I admire his success as a writer and figure that anyone with such popular acclaim must have a few tricks up his sleeve - personal habits which aspiring writers would do well to follow.

My current way of creating writing and words is very haphazard - prolific one minute, slim pickings the next. I think I need to practice with discipline. I am working on my self discipline, which is improving all the time.

I wonder if it's too late to scrap my new years resolution and create a new one?

The one about family is still meaningful to me, but building self discipline is another thing I would like to develop. Good time management.

When I say 'Good Time Management,' I don't mean 'cramming-as-much-into-every-day-as-I-possibly-can-until-I'm-so-exhausted-I'm-forgetting-my-own-name.'

That was my style in 2008.

This year I want to be productive, pacing myself so I maximise my productivity without burning out.

I want to fill my days with meaningful activity. Whether I'm playing Lego with my boy or working on my own projects, I want to do it wholeheartedly. I want to be disciplined, so I can be productive and also have consistent energy, which is what I lacked last year.

Perhaps I can make this my resolution for the coming Chinese new year - the year of the Ox.

The year of the Earth Ox, actually.

Whether or not you believe in Chinese Astrology, I find that it is very useful to describe certain personalities and states of mind. Most people can relate to the astrological 'characters,' even if they don't believe the philosophy. For example, the 'hard working' Capricorn, the 'sensitive' Cancer, the 'dreamy' Pisces, the 'decadent' Taurus, the 'anal' Virgo etc.

The 'Earth Ox' personal style is exactly the kind I want to develop in myself this year. The 'earth ox' sounds like the kind of person I admire and look up to.


From Wiki:

The Ox is the sign of prosperity through fortitude and hard work. This powerful sign is a born leader, being quite dependable and possessing an innate ability to achieve great things. As one might guess, such people are dependable, calm, and modest. Like their animal namesake, the Ox is unswervingly patient, tireless in their work, and capable of enduring any amount of hardship without complaint.

Ox people need peace and quiet to work through their ideas, and when they have set their mind on something it is hard for them to be convinced otherwise. An Ox person has a very logical mind and is extremely systematic in whatever they do, even without imagination. These people speak little but are extremely intelligent. When necessary, they are articulate and eloquent.

People born under the influence of the Ox are kind, caring souls, logical, positive, filled with common sense and with their feet firmly planted on the ground. Security is their main preoccupation in life, and they are prepared to toil long and hard in order to provide a warm, comfortable and stable nest for themselves and their families. Strong-minded, stubborn, individualistic, the majority are highly intelligent individuals who don't take kindly to being told what to do.

The Ox works hard, patiently, and methodically, with original intelligence and reflective thought. These people enjoy helping others. Behind this tenacious, laboring, and self-sacrificing exterior lies an active mind.

The Ox is not extravagant, and the thought of living off credit cards or being in debt makes them nervous. The possibility of taking a serious risk could cause the Ox sleepless nights.

Ox people are truthful and sincere, and the idea of wheeling and dealing in a competitive world is distasteful to them. They are rarely driven by the prospect of financial gain. These people are always welcome because of their honesty and patience. They have many friends, who appreciate the fact that the Ox people are wary of new trends, although every now and then they can be encouraged to try something new.

It is important to remember that the Ox people are sociable and relaxed when they feel secure, but occasionally a dark cloud looms over such people and they engage all the trials of the whole world and seek solutions for them. Also the Ox people are all caring and loving but at times when you mess with them they will tear out in anger.

Goodbye 2008, hello 2009

I'm pinching Corymbia's idea and posting a 'taking stock' blog, as well as writing down my resolutions (hopes, anyway) for 2009. I've copied her format: first, an overview, then '2008: the good;' '2008 - the bad;' and 'My hopes for 2009.'



2008.

2008 was a very busy year. It was the year when I pushed myself to the limits of my capabilities. I learned a lot about myself, but I also burned out really badly.

It was not an especially traumatic year, but it was infused with the consistent, underlying stress and exhaustion which came from being stretched too thin.

My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer, which was hard.

But it has prompted me to build bridges and I feel that our family is closer and more harmonious than ever. This year I am living in a cottage on my parents' property.My parents have a hobby farm with an orchard and a huge permaculture garden. It's beautiful, but it requires constant work to maintain everything, and my parents aren't getting any younger. I want to help them and build my skills at the same time. I am looking forward to having my son experience what it is like to have this kind of childhood.

I am getting ahead of myself.


2008 - the good.

- I am proud of all the good feedback I got at work. I am proud I managed to hold everything together.

- I developed skills and confidence in myself that I didn't have before with work. I feel a lot more secure about my ability to gain (and keep) a 'good' job, and to produce good work. I am proud of this, because I'm always written myself off as a bit of a loser and never believed I could do anything very well. So 2008 was good for this.

- Materially, 2008 was a good year. I'm not rich, but I feel a sense of control with money and know I'll never have to worry. I was able to put money into savings and buy some quality essentials. I feel solid and positive about my ability to handle money, and that's a lovely secure feeling. I suppose it's boring, but it was a definite highlight for me. I set myself financial goals and I met them and I am very proud of that.

- 2008 was a year when I realised some important things about the kind of person I want to be, and the kind of life I want to live. I made the decision to leave Lismore, where I had lived for 10 years, and move to Armidale, to be closer to family. 2008 ended a very stressful chapter of my life that began when I got pregnant. Being a single parent without any family support is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. In some ways, it has pushed me to my limits, and I have made many mistakes as a mother as a result. But in other ways, it has given me a sense of how strong and capable I can be - I figure if I managed the last four years, I can manage ANYTHING. So that is a very empowering feeling that I may never have had if I had not been through such testing times.

- Nothing terrible happened - 2008 was not a traumatic year.



THE BAD

I feel that I wasn't the mother I could have been in 2008 - the kind of mother I wanted to be. My son watched too much TV. We didn't have enough fun and adventure. I got stroppy and impatient with him, and was too stressed and distracted to be the 'present' parent I wanted to be. My paid workload was too big, which meant I spent a lot of time rushing him through dinner and baths and into bed so I could get everything done. I missed a lot of sleep by staying up late to finish all my work and the housework, and that made me tired, cranky and depressed.

I also feel that my social life really suffered because I was too busy and tired to spend time with other people. I know I upset some people because I never made time for them. I don't want to be isolated by a frantic life again.

I am still working through the guilt that came with not giving enough mother-love to my son - surely there can be no worse guilt than a parent's guilt.

Life is not about regrets. It is about learning lessons and moving on.

I learned that my number one job is being a parent, and I am not going to let that work suffer by taking on too much other work. I'm now on single parent benefits, and I refuse to feel guilty about that because I do not believe that I am receiving a 'handout.' I am doing the most important job in the world and I want to do it well.

So, the hell with Kevin Dudd if he thinks I should prioritise working in a supermarket over my job as a mother. My child has just as much right as any other child to have a happy childhood, and I personally don't think it's worth it for him to lose his mother for the sake of the economy. Someone is probably going to get very cross reading this. Or maybe nobody is reading it, LOL



2009.

So this year is about relationships and family.

Number one, I want to be a good mother. I want to bake more, go for more walks, read more books, listen more to my son. I want to heal the mistakes I made last year, and make him my number one focus, which is what he should be.

Being a good daughter, sister and aunt. I'm babysitting my nephews every week while my brother teaches night classes. I want to get to know my nephews. I want to help my parents manage all their work, cook them good meals, talk to them, hear their stories. I want to bond with my parents, and heal old hurts with them.

I'd like to build a network of friends here.

I want to work less, and enjoy life more - be a generous participant in the community, enjoy people and relationships. I am very much enjoying the change of pace since last year and I feel much healthier and happier than I have in years.

I would also like to re-enter the dating scene - cautiously dipping my toe in, taking things extremely slowly. I want to do it right next time. The past five years, I've been completely celibate. This has been good - I've been too busy for a relationship and have wanted to focus on parenting.

I also think I needed to do a lot of healing. I don't want to go into the story of TVSB's father right now, but suffice to say that the period we were together was the most traumatic experience I have ever had.

I think I'm ready and healed enough. I am open to the possibility, but I will definitely be extremely cautious - I've learned this lesson the hard way.

I am completing my Cert IV in Community Service Work externally. I've already done half of it, but stopped when I got a job. It's just a bit of paper, but it will come in handy, no doubt.

I'd also like to do some volunteer work to keep my foot in the door, but I'm really keen to prioritise relationships over work this year. I'd like to join friends of the library and help write a grant to get better funding and modernise Armidale library. It sorely needs it.

I want to continue to keep my financial situation solid. I want to be a kind, positive, compassionate person. I want to do my best to lead a 'green' lifestyle. I want to open myself to a new and satisfying career, which is meaningful and satisfying.

But first and foremost, I want to be a good parent. That is my number one commitment for 2009.

The Ebenezers of the world.

Now don't get me wrong with this blog. I'm not exactly someone who spends thousands ofdollars on Christmas presents for the postie, garbage collector etc.

In fact, as I said in a previous blog, I was shocked that some parents spend thousands of dollars on their kids presents each year.

But there's a line between being sensible with money and being a mean-spirited scrooge.

The following quotes came from some people on my frugal living group - we were comparing notes about the Scrooges in our families. My son's grandma (exes mother) is my family Scrooge.

She gives me free calendars that she gets in the mail from businesses, or the free Leunig calendar that comes in the newspaper.

For birthdays, she gives me the free stress balls and rulers she gets from her bank (ANZ).

I suspect she is actually trying to insult me and hurt my feelings, but actually I get a good laugh out of it - as I did with the following stories from my online buddies:

Joni ► (Sydney) - Dec 16, 9:25 pm
SlL without fail, we get regifted old presents that have been used and then taped back up, were originally given by us to them 10 years ago or were a free promo when you bought something else. eg a 12 year old computer disc game. Once DH got a box of dreadful Chinese biscuits that were inedible, looked like a present her hubby got from a client and rejected then the tin was sealed back up.


Kirsten (WA) - Dec 16, 9:51 pm
I've recieved personal care packet from airlines (with toothpaste / brush and eye mask). With the toothpaste already squeezed. For a Christmas present.


Sharon M (Too far to walk) - Dec 16, 10:06 pm
This is a true story. My sons friends would never go home when they were meant to regardless of how many groundings they got. One year their father told them to be home at a certain time to go Christmas shopping and of course they were an hour late. So he didn't go at all. One son got a toothbrush for Christmas and the other got a piece of wire sticking out of a bit of foam. Luckily they are good humoured boys. (And they knew their mum had prezzies for them when they went back home).


Pat (VIC) - Dec 17, 12:06 am
My DH had an old Auntie, the sister in law of his German mother, who had some very strange traditions. One was to invite all the extended family for a Christmas get together. The strange thing was, her sons and her nephew were told to sit at the table with all the best china and cutlery, etc. and they got very nice gifts. The rest of us had to sit in the kitchen and were given the odd cups and mugs. One person would get a couple of teabags, another half a jar of jam. The kids got plastic spiders or second hand dolls. The thing was, she would carry on as she gave us this stuff as if she were giving the world. And she got heaps of good pressies back as I think they all thought they had to stay in her good books. Some of the rellies used to get very irate about all this and would whinge like mad while she was in the other room and then smile and nod at her when she condescended to join us in the kitchen. I just had to try and stop myself from laughing my head off from when we arrived to when we left. I found the whole event hilarious. She was not poor and died a few years after we came here. A really funny but tight old woman.


Leisa (QLD) - Dec 17, 8:07 pm
Not a Christmas one but birthday .... when I turned 14, my aunt (who doesn't like us anyway) sent me a card for a 10 YEAR OLD with $2 taped inside and my name spelt wrong!


Bella H () - Dec 20, 3:45 pm
Last year I received some christmas wrapping paper from my MIL. The year before that I got a broom head - not even the whole broom, just the head.


K_C (Southern NSW) - Dec 17, 10:37 pm
DH received two HUGE spanners ie about 3inch ring part, 50cm long. They still had the $2.00 Clints stickers on them. No, DH didn't own anything remotely big enough to use them on. Meanwhile his siblings (5 of them) were given toasters, jugs, gorgeous linen, dinner set.


Miss B (NSW) - Dec 17, 9:17 am
My parents are always quite generous so when my brother got married they bought his new inlaws a gorgeous hamper from David Jones and they got back a packet of chips wrapped up in chrissy paper ??? And my brother got for his first christmas off them a packet of snail pellets???? I mean what goes through some peoples minds , snail pellets ??? And they weren't even trying to be funny .

Rubble and bubbly

I'm currently sitting in my house which is now empty, except for a few pots and pans, eating utensils, a mattress and a whole lotta rubble that I should be cleaning, I suppose. I'm procratinating because it's stinking hot and my back hurts from filling a truck with all my belongings this morning. My dear brother helped me lift and move heavy objects, my dad drove the truck and my good old mum helped with boxes and stuff.

Oh my, the rubble that emanated from under furniture and out of nooks and crannies was nobody's business! I kid myself into thinking I'm a reasonably clean person, but whenever I move, I realise it's all a veneer. Argh, I've found playing cards; dust bunnies; dead moths; a library book I swore that I had returned (ooh, the librarian is going to be mad! Dammit!) an embarrassing amount of lego...

I could sit here all day and type out all the embarrassing rubble I've unearthed, but I've decided to go and drink a mini bottle of Champagne I also found at the back of the cupboard, while I enjoy a coldish bath.

I miss my little boy. I feel like a rudderless ship without him, I really do. We're doing Christmas on my birthday (new years eve) and I'm counting down the days.

Oh, and did I mention that I found a dead cane toad at the bottom of one of my cupboards? In behind the vacuum bags that I never use because I've got a Dyson. Argh... I don't know how it got in - cane toads can't climb, I know this because I wrote an article on them once. I suspect that it must have come in when I carried something up into the house. I am shuddering and dry-retching just thinking about having a live cane toad in such close proximity to my body.

I'm not one to jump on a chair at the sight of any creepy crawlies. Old boyfriends have been known to ask ME to get spiders out of the house, ha ha. But there is nothing that can make my skin crawl quite like a cane toad. The one I found had been there for quite a while. It was dessicated and part of its leg bone was exposed. It was, without exception, the most revolting thing I've seen in 2008. Hands down.

Merry Christmas... love Greta