The threshold.

It's a funny time to begin a blog, because in many ways, my life is full of endings just now.

I've spent a good part of today packing my life into boxes, and watching my home transform into a rental property which no longer holds any mark of my presence. It's a strange, slightly disorienting feeling. I am in that void between homes.

I've finished my job and will shortly move to another town, leaving behind my home town of almost ten years.

Up until today, I've not felt too much about the reality of my situation, because I've been too busy. My son has left to be with his dad for a few days. Today has been the first day that I've felt the mental space around me to really think about what is going on. A deluge of kaleidoscopic feelings has engulfed me.

Deep sadness and regret. Excitement at the allure of a new chapter. Hope. Terror. Reflection. Desire. Tears.

I spent part of today with an old flame. I began my time here with him. He and I had many adventures together, travelling and camping, before settling here, in this town, nigh on ten years ago.

He makes me realise how I've changed. We were both such different people then. He spoke of his current relationship sorrows, and I did what I could to comfort him. I also recalled our own tumultuous break-up, a time when I believed we would never find peace. We were two people who could no longer see each other - we were too obscured by our own private pain. How life changes. Things happen. Time moves on.

And we spent today together, two friends, at ease with one another. We spoke of things we had never had the courage to speak of before. I realised there was no residual bitterness on either side, and that felt good.

Another chapter closes. I was a different person then.

For the past four years I've been a single mother. For two of those years, I've been a single, working mother. This has been an all-consuming exercise. The daily to-do list has been consistently long - and getting longer.

This year has been particularly exhausting. I've barely socialised or done any kind of pleasurable activity for myself. My friendships have suffered, my health has suffered, and - worst of all - my mothering has suffered.

Most of the time, I've been too busy to consider how I felt about it, but funnily enough, the feelings overtook, every month before auntie Flo's visit.

Bit by bit, the realisation dawned on me: I was managing to keep everything running, but only just. It sort of crept up on me that the whole exercise was getting out of hand.

Somewhere amidst all this blur, I've managed to raise a wonderful, intelligent, articulate, sensitive little boy, who is my crowning achievement.

I wanted to write an introduction about myself, and it occurred to me that while I could write pages about my beautiful little boy, I really can't think of much to say about myself. My life has been so overcrowded with responsibility that I've forgotten to pay attention.

And now, I'm leaving all kinds of things behind. It's like part of my life is washing out to sea. Which is scary. It's also good, because I could barely move for all the emotional debris.

It's freeing, painful and necessary. A new life awaits - one of my own creation. What will I create?

In many ways, I've held myself back, because I have presumed that I can't do things. All kinds of things. I have doubted my abilities, and held limiting beliefs about myself that have kept me stuck. I would like to push myself out of my comfort zone in 2009. I want to be courageous, and prove things to myself. I want to build a wonderful life from this rubble.

I am scared, but I am free. I have proven to myself that I am capable and strong. I just need to keep remembering.